It feels like when I walk away from somewhere or something, or if it walks away from me, it almost doesn’t exist anymore. It feels like leaving one world and entering another, and the one I just left is a faint memory, maybe even just a memory of a dream. I feel that way every time I leave the studio on campus and drive back to this place where I’m from. I feel that way every time my mom moves into a new house. I feel that way when I leave work and come home. Sometimes I even feel that way when the sun goes down at night. Everything changes.
Maybe I just put too much emphasis on physical surroundings… but I really do feel separated from my friends on campus and on a few gloomy days here, I have felt like I never even knew the trees and sidewalks and flamboyant professors that I’ve grown to love so much. I hate those days. I need to find ways to stay connected to every place I’ve ever wanted to know in my life (we all have places we would like to erase). I just feel so far away from the things that make me glow… like my kick-wheel in my studio space, all of my friends there, and another good friend who I only see every once in a long while because he lives so far away. Everything feels so… separate. Some things are better that way– I don’t really want to feel how I do when I’m here when I go back to the studio, but I would really like to take that golden feeling back from the studio. It’s not just the studio that I feel distant from. It’s everything that’s not here. I feel like I once knew my mom, but until I see her again, she is a distant memory. When I sit on the couch in the living room here, the forest feels hundreds of miles away when the sun goes down– even though it’s only a short walk away.
I don’t really know if there’s an explanation for me feeling so completely separate from everything, but I know I want to change it.